Joan Rivers funeral wish - Valentino, Beyonce's hair, Meryl Streep crying
Above
is Joan River's funeral requests written in her 2012 book, I Hate
Everyone...Starting With Me. Meanwhile it's been revealed that her
funeral will take place on Sunday September 7th at the Temple Emanu-El in New York. See some more memorable quotes from the book after the cut...
On what she wants for her own funeral
"When I die, I want my funeral to be a huge showbiz affair with
lights, cameras, action...I want Craft services, I want paparazzi and I
want publicists making a scene! I want it to be Hollywood all the way. I
don't want some rabbi rambling on;
I want Meryl Streep crying, in five different accents.
I don't want a eulogy; I want Bobby Vinton to pick up my head and sing
"Mr. Lonely." I want to look gorgeous, better dead than I do alive. I
want to be buried in a Valentino gown and I want Harry Winston to make
me a toe tag. And I want a wind machine so that even in the casket my
hair is blowing just like Beyoncé's."
On obituaries
"I love the obituaries. To me, obituaries are just wedding
announcements without the pictures. I read the obituaries carefully, the
way Lindsay Lohan reads her Miranda rights."
On people who die of natural causes
"I hate people who die of natural causes; they just don't understand
the moment. It's the grand finale, act three, the eleven o'clock number —
make it count. If you're going to die, die interesting! Is there
anything worse than a boring death? I think not. When my time comes I'm
going to go out in highs type. I have no intention of being sick or
lingering or dragging on and on and boring everyone I know. I have no
intention of coughing and wheezing for months on end. One morning you'll
wake up and read a headline: Joan Rivers Found Dead...On George
Clooney's Face. Clooney Was So Bereft All He Could Say Was,
'Xjfhfyrnem.'"
On funerals
"I love funerals! To me a funeral is just a red carpet show for dead
people. It's a chance for mourners from all walks of life to accessorize
basic black, and to make a fashion statement that is bold enough to
draw attention away from the bereaved but subtle enough so that no one
knows that it's happening. And, it's a great way to have quiet fun."
On people who offer condolences
"I hate people who try to make you feel better. Like the neighbor who
says, 'Don't forget, the first part of 'funeral' is 'fun!' Or the
minister who says, 'He's in a better place now.' I'm tempted to yell
out, 'No he's not. He had a house in the Hamptons. What's wrong with
you?""
On the pick-up scene at funerals
"As I get older, I'm going to a lot more funerals, and let me tell
you something, it's a great pick-up scene. A graveside funeral is live
eHarmony for the bereaved."
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